c

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 08:39:10 GMT

i'm not sleeping right now. i'm not happy about that.

i'm just going to start talking about something because i have to say it to something otherwise i will be keeping things inside which is not good or something and if i actually tell someone in person, they're going to think i'm crazy. probably am. anyway, here goes...

i don't get certain people, er, more certain males, or maybe all guys. a friend (we'll call him that because i don't have the energy to call him what he deserves) is acting weird. now, my friend says i over use that word and now she doesn't believe me when i call someone weird. it's true. however, this boy - weird. i swear he sees me and he leaves the building or the area before i see him so i don't talk to him. i swear he's avoiding me. see, now i think i've hit insanity. i'm sure these times are just coincidence, but...thanks to my trusty brain, i will continue to ponder. AND another thing that's been bother me: how can someone be special to one if one is not serious about the 'special' one? yeah...that's what i thought. point, me. load of poo, i tell you, poo. ok, and then there's this guy in one of my classes. he's an interesting one. maybe i'm paranoid again, but he stares at me with blank expressions. i would be creeped out by this, except he's cute and i'm intrigued. but, seriously, the weird looks - necessary? no. just smile, i'm nice. whoa, i suddenly feel very tired. bed.

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 21:15:46 GMT

write now, i have no words. none. nothing. nada. i do not get this world or the people who walk around it.

now i'm going to (hopefully) go read since i have nothing to write here.

good day.

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 16:13:57 GMT

tomorrow i go back. pahhh. why why why do i have to go? this is all i feel like saying. i'm tired and want to be in bed, but noooo, i have to get ready to go back. bye.

i'm feeling strong

Tue, 30 Dec 2003 03:03:26 GMT

today i really have a sense of power. now, i don't know if this is a temporary thing or not. i don't have a plan yet for what i'm going to do, but i CAN'T forget someone. especially him. at least not right now. let's be real, as much as i say i will forget him, that's just plain not going to happen. what i can't help but thinking, what is the REASON for not telling me? is it 1) forgot to mention it 2)doesn't want to hurt my feelings? 3) he likes me and doesn't want me to stop liking him = making himself appear available and interested. i could go on forever, but i'm not. i was reading a magazine tonight and it made me think (believe it or not). i've made plenty of mistakes in my life. i've upset people. i would say, 92% of the time, those were never my intentions. how was i to know what i did or did not do/say would end up the way it did? i'm sure people have a reason as to why they do or say the things that they do. unfortunately, this reason is not always clear and logical to everyone else and the gesture/comment comes accross as...something else. or, perhaps this all isn't a misunderstanding and i'm supposed to know nothing and i was completely set-up, elborate planning and everything. after all this time, i still think, no way. a year ago, if someone would have told me what would have happened this past year, i'd never have believed most of it. it's been a lot of learning, some disappointment in people, hurt, sadness and maybe even a few laughs. so, ultimately, perhaps i've decided to do nothing because maybe i don't know the real story or maybe tomorrow will totally change my outlook or how about i shouldn't be spending time worrying, i should be doing. no thinking. doing, seeing, experiencing, etc. have an exhausting day and use the two minutes after hitting the pillow to reflect on my day: what i learned, what made me happy, etc. and then get ready for tomorrow, because, who knows?

my question to the world ---> WHY???

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 23:29:35 GMT

so i'm just wondering about anything and everything these days, in particular why a certain person hides information from me. sure, he can tell other people, hell, he'd probably announce something on national television if he thought i wouldn't see it. i talked to my favorite roomie this afternoon and she confirmed that this certain person does, indeed, have a girlfriend. of course i knew this a month ago, but recently i had some questions. she said yes, though, he does. i'm ok with this, really, i'll be fine. what i DON'T understand is why he won't tell me. rahhh. i don't get it. at all. this just pisses me off to the point of...something. in 2.5 i'm gonna work off some of this rage.

on a happier note, i'm planning something great. well, i don't know how great it is, but if it works, it will be cool, hopefully. i really want this to work out. we will see soon!

who knows

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 23:57:32 GMT

so, i'm back! woo-hoo, the trip was fun, but i'm glad to be back home. it was good to see a life very different from mine. most people i meet will never see what i have seen, and the thought of that makes me sad but also makes me feel incredibly fortunate. i really wish i had more time and money (obviously) to travel. i think i'd go anywhere at least once. or so i like to believe. lately, pre-trip, trip, post-trip i wonder about what really matters. does my crisis of the week really matter? no? yes? i don't know. most days, i like to think no. although, if it's making me unhappy in the present, maybe it does. hmm, don't know. and now the holidays are coming up. kinda sad, i think. i don't know why i feel this way, i just do. i cannot believe this year is over already. although, i'm not complaining in the least bit, i am DONE with 2003 (aka worst year of my life thus far). but then i wonder, will 2004 be any better? oh, i hope so. which brings me to another subject - school. how much am i not looking forward to going back? i'm terrified that fall '03 will be repeating itself. so, i spend my break worrying about what's going to happen. stupid waste of time, right? rahh. okay, i think i should stop now.

random thoughts

Thu, 20 Nov 2003 22:32:14 GMT

1. i wish i could kick my roommate out and bring back stephanie, the best roommate ever...this is not happening soon enough
2. i want to be done with school. forever.
3. i got roses yesterday...they smell great! i wish i could get some everyday.
4. now my roommate is snoring. can't she leave alreay? rah.
5. male type people are dumb. well, maybe just certain ones. according to my waiter the other day, he does know of nice guys out there. what my friend and i wanted to know, where the hell are they???!! possibly all of them are taken. actually, that's what's going on. i know it. or, maybe someone put a loser sign on my back when i wasn't looking? okay, i'm done.

i wanna cut my toes off

Thu, 20 Nov 2003 04:37:26 GMT

the title comes from the fact that my toe region is cramping, how weird is that? owww. anyway, big (kinda) news. someone has a girlfriend. i use that term in the loosest sense possible. funny how "someone special" can be found in what, 4.3 minutes? yea. dumb as everything. and oh, who does he tell this to? not me, that's who. i can't help but think, there's gotta be some reason he's not telling me this. do i really want to go there in thinking it's because he does like me? nope. but i can't help it. i saw him today. he saw me and waited before going inside to talk to me. he ran into me. normally, this would have been kinda cute and i would've done something back but all i could do was look at the ground. i so wanted to scream in his face, but of course i can't. i don't think he'll ever get that this kinda hurts. unless of course i tell him. will that happen anytime soon? who knows. blah blah

on a side note - the bachelor was on tonight. sooo great. that was a shocker. although, love BAHHH.

i'm a little confused, but this seems fun!

Tue, 18 Nov 2003 03:16:09 GMT

okay, so this is my first entry ever. yay for me! thanks to carrie for hooking me up. =) this could be cool because i have a lot to say sometimes and i tell no one. now i will talk to my journal. i've tried to keep journals before and it always ends up not working. so, high hopes for this one. okay, i really need to be studying here and i know ending like this is so boring, but hopefully i can write more later.